Humorous Things from the Net

Dilbert applies the principles of Software Reuse

Dilbert masters GUI programming


From: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net on Fri, Aug 25, 1995 10:06 AM
Subject: Operating systems
To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net

I'm sure many of you are aware of the new Windows '95 program that was just released. This new version of Windows is its own operating system or virus, depending on your point of view... anyway, the new release propted me to dig this out, this is what computer operating systems would be like if they were airlines.

If Operating Systems were Airlines...

DOS AIR: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES: The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS: Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

From: Marc Stress on Tue, Sep 5, 1995 11:43 AM
Subject: Where Would you like to go today?
To: Recipient list suppressed

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey,where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles away."

TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE THINK THE '95' IN 'WINDOWS95' REALLY STANDS FOR

 10. The number of floppies it will ship in.

 9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.

 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.

 7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.

 6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.

 5. The number of minutes to install.

 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.

 3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.

 2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.

 1. The year it was due to ship.

Some others:

 a. The number of seconds before it crashes.

 b. Bill Gates' age when it ships.

 c. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.

 d. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.